Subtitles downloaded from www.OpenSubtitles.org
Comedy Now! Uncensored.
Starring Russell Peters.
Please welcome Russell Peters!
Hey!
Alright!
Look at this... Look at this audience, man!
Looks like a Benetton ad! Man, this is good. This is uh...
A lot of different kinds of people here tonight.
Good evening, folks. You alright?
Well, one Indian guy's alright. The rest of you is OK. Sounds good.
Oh, that's crazy though. Alright, good, uh...
It's good to be back. I was at my parent's house about a month ago.
I was watching TV with my dad, right. We're sitting in the living room watching TV.
And we're... They had like... The gay pride parade was on that weekend.
And we're... Well, whatever makes you happy. And um...
And they uh... And they were showing, like they have a live feed.
Not like a live feed, but they were showing...
They were... They were showing that parade, right? They were showing on TV, right?
So... Oh, would you grow up?
Alright, so we were watching them, right?
We were watching the parade, right?
And all of a sudden, these three gay Indian guys came on the screen, right?
I don't mean came on the screen. They uh... They uh...
You know, they appeared, right? So...
So, we were watching them, right? And these three gay Indian guys, like...
"Hey, we're Indian and we're gay!"
"We represent the gay South Asian community!"
And my dad looks at me and he goes "That is disgusting!"
"Do you know them?"
And what the hell would I know them?
"Because they're of the gay..."
"And you are in the entertainment business."
Then my dad started to get really irritated with them, you know, because they just kept showing them on the screen.
It really didn't bother me, you know. Because it's just, you know... it's gay pride, they're just being proud and gay, you know, so...
So my dad started to get really irritated with them. "This is wrong! We should not have gay Indians."
"Indian men should not be gay!"
But dad, we've got a population crisis over there.
We could use a couple of homos in India right now, you know what I'm saying?
I love it when people concern themselves with stuffs that's never gonna affect their lives.
No, I mean, same-sex marriages. I've got bigger things to worry about than same-sex marriages.
'Cos I've gotta worry about an arranged marriage.
That's...
...be out of control when they got a same-sex arranged marriage. 'Cos that's what gotta be out of control, you know what I mean?
An Indian family realize that his son is gay when he's young, you know. "We must find him a nice boy."
"Someone from a good family... and a good closet."
Arranged marriage is a big problem in my community, man.
You know, it's not so much a problem. It's a problem if you want it to be a problem.
I mean it's a problem for me, you know what I mean?
My parents tried that on me last year. They came out to me like... My mom was like "Russell...
...you're getting older now."
"And you're not married."
"What if I bring some nice girls home for you?"
Ma, I got to bring nice girls home all the time.
They just leave in the morning, you know.
That's a nice girl right there.
She said "No, no, I will pick some girls and you can choose the one you like."
What, are you out of your mind, man? My mom wanted to pick my wife!
I wouldn't want my mom to pick my clothes!
Imagine my mom walks in with this girl. "I know she's a little big now."
"But you'll grow into her."
It's a big deal in Indian community if you're not married, man.
I'm not married. I don't really... I'm not really big on this whole marriage thing, you know.
I love women too much to get married, you know what I mean?
If you love women and you get married, then you just love woman.
I don't know if I'm ready to do that yet, you know.
I'm scared of getting that disease too. You know that disease when you got married? One-gina?
I don't uh...
I don't want to get stuck with one-gina for the rest of my life, you know.
Oh, man.
I've been in a lot of traveling. I've just came back from South Africa. I was in the motherland.
Not my motherland, obviously, you know what I mean. It's...
Black people's motherland, you know.
I'm Indian. We have our own motherland...
England. You know, I was uh...
The night I came back from South Africa, that was funny. I was doing a show the same night I came back and I'm on stage and I go...
Yeah, I just came back from South Africa. Some drunk white lady in the back of the room, she was uh...
"Yah-man!"
I said South Africa.
"Yah-man!"
Not freakin' Jamaica!
She'd be better off our show than [MIMICKING AFRICAN LANGUAGE]
Some people don't like to laugh at the joke. They think it's racist.
You ever see that movie The Gods Must Be Crazy?
Yeah, remember the first time you saw an African brother does [MIMICKING AFRICAN LANGUAGE]?
You were laughing your ass off, weren't you, huh?
Of course the first time I saw it, I thought, wow, whoever wrote this is brilliant!
I went to South Africa, that's a real language!
I didn't know that, man. I am in an elevator at my hotel...
...then these three African guys get on board.
Then the conversations I hear coming out of their mouth is...
[MIMICKING AFRICAN LANGUAGE]
[MIMICKING AFRICAN LANGUAGE WITH LOTS OF CLICKS]
And I'm standing there like a jackass, laughing at them, right.
I can't really believe they really talk like that!
Then I was almost getting into fight with them because I was eating pop rocks and they thought I was swearing at them.
That's very tense in that elevator, man.
Freaks me out when I went there, too.
If you guys ever have a chance to go to South Africa, you're gonna freak out. You know what freak me out when I went there?
I got off the plane, there was Indian people.
Not one or two.
Millions of us!
And here's the thing. Indian people has been in South Africa for like, six, seven generations now.
They've been in Africa longer than white people have been in Canada.
Well it's true that there has been six, seven generations, here's the messed up part. Indian people were taken to South Africa...
...as slaves!
Who the hell uses an Indian slave?
Do I look physically ready to do hard labor?
Our people don't work that hard. Give us a calculator, we'll do your taxes, man.
My people don't like doing physical labor, man. Could you...
We'd make shitty slaves, man.
Imagine how pissed off the first slave owner was?
Alright, Raj, here's what you're gonna do.
Get in that field and pick that up.
No.
I can't do it. I can't do it.
I hurt my back.
Let me tell you what we do.
OK?
OK. You...
...pick the corn.
And I...
...will get the teeshirts made.
And together...
...we can wholesale.
We don't do hard physical work like that, man.
Why do you think you don't see very many Indian athletes?
You're not gonna see an Indian guy in the NFL.
OK, down, set, hike hike!
Go run, run!
Run with it!
I'm waiting here, bro!
Faster, faster!
We're waiting.
Glad to see brown people in the audience. That's nice, son.
Of course you'd be here if the taping is free.
You cheap bastards!
Indian people don't even act like they're not cheap. We know we're cheap.
It's in our blood to be cheap.
There are people who say Jews are cheap.
Jews aren't actually cheap. Jews will spend the money if they think it's worthwhile.
A Jew will grab a shirt, "I don't know...
I already feel it's a good material.
Here's my money."
Where the Indian guy is, like, "I don't know..."
"I could probably get this made for four dollars."
And when you're not looking, he'll pull out a knife...
"How much now it's ripped?"
"I don't buy ripped shirts."
We are cheap, man. It's in our blood.
My dad is so good at being cheap, that he could convince you that you're wrong.
I took my dad to a bar, he ordered a beer.
The waiter was, like, "It's $4.50, sir" and my dad was, like, "OK."
"Here's $3."
She's standing, like, "Sir, what about the other $1.50?"
"Don't worry about it."
"OK."
She's like "You owe me $1.50."
"I owe you, you owe me. It's the same thing. Go ahead, don't be so cheap."
We're the same Asian people as good.
You Chinese?
Woo!
I'm saying it could be your last name. Woo! It's uh...
That's alright.
That two can't do business together.
Chinese people and Indian people cannot do business together.
'Cos Indians cannot live without a bargain and Chinese people cannot give you a bargain.
Their objective is to get every penny from you...
...and ours is to keep every penny.
There's a really bad power struggle there. I went to this Chinese mall.
Some of you may know it. The Pacific Mall.
That's wrong place for an Indian guy to go.
I saw this bag. I want to buy this bag. I go "How much"...
I go to the Chinese guy behind the counter. "How much?" He goes...
"Thirty five dollars."
"How about thirty?"
And the Chinese people will never tell you no.
They'll tell you "No," the longest "No" you've ever heard in your life.
Like you've just said the most ridiculous thing they've ever heard in their life.
I'll give you $30.
"Nooooo. No."
"I can't do $30."
"If I sell you $30 today, you come tomorrow, I close down!"
I'm like "Alright, well give me a deal on that purse. I don't wanna pay thirty five bucks."
"OK. One sec. I talk to my wife. One second. Thank you."
[MIMICKING CANTONESE]
"OK. You seem like nice guy."
"I give you best price."
"$34.50."
I'm like "That's fifty cents, man."
He goes "Fifty cents a lot of money!"
"You save fifty cents here, then maybe you go somewhere else and you save another fifty cents."
"Then you have one dollar."
"Then you take your dollar, you go to the Dollar Store, you buy something else."
He starts turning into my money manager...
It's something, you know, "Let me finance your plan for you."
I'm like "You know what, dude? Forget it."
"I don't want it. It's not a deal."
He starts telling me stuff that has nothing to do with anything.
I go "I'm leaving." He goes "Hey!"
"Be a man!"
"Be a man! Do the right thing."
What are you talking about, do the right thing?
"Maybe you don't buy the purse right now, you go somewhere, you walk around this mall, you see something else...
...you don't buy, you come back, you say hey."
"I want the purse for $34.50, I say no."
"You don't get for $34.50. Now the price gone up to maybe $40."
"Be a man."
We just can't do business, man.
We can work together, we just can't work with each other, you know.
Good to see black people in the audience too. That's nice.
Because it's bright, you know what I mean. OK, I'm just kidding.
What, you all of a sudden, you sensitive black people are somewhere out there?
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
I grew up around black people. You don't scare me.
I grew up around Jamaican, man. Jamaicans are hard people to grow up with.
Any Jamaican here tonight?
They are the most passive Jamaican ever, like...
"Ah bow bow lick shot."
"I man and brethrens is a Jamaican."
Look at this. The quietest Jamaican in the world, man.
Jamaicans are hard people to grow up around. You know why?
'Cos when I was growing up around Jamaicans,
you hang around Jamaican people long enough, you feel the need to want to be Jamaican.
They just look so cool. Everything about them is cool.
Now, as a kid, I want to be a Jamaican so bad I started...
...dressing like a Jamaican, I started wearing a little red, yellow and green belt and...
...I started talking like a Jamaican, I started listening to reggae music...
...I started having kids I didn't know about. I did everything...
...that I possibly could.
But you know the shitty thing is? A Jamaican would never act like you.
You're never going to see a Jamaican growing up around a bunch of Indian guys walking around...
"Hey, baby, whopening? Whopening?"
Not gonna happen, you know.
I felt bad for my dad cause he tried fitting in with my Jamaican friend when I was growing up.
You don't ever want a man from India trying to speak like a Jamaican at any point during his life.
My friend has been in the living, and my dad was walking...
"OK, come on Maureen, move your bomboclod and go home."
May dad thought punani was a tropical fruit.
It is, if you think about it.
Well, the older white folks are a little confuse right now.
Punani is a Jamaican word for women's...
You know what I'm saying?
For her bom bom.
My dad thought it was a tropical fruit.
One time when I was a kid, I was sick and I was messing around with my dad, he came home and goes...
"Oh my God, son, you're sick. What can I get you?"
I go "Dad...
...I'd love punani."
My dad went to the Jamaican store,
"Hey, lady, where's your punani?"
"My son is at home sick, he needs punani right now."
"Give me two."
"If it's ripe, make me squeeze it."
"No, no, no seeds."
Now in South Africa, I heard a real African name.
My child is gonna get an African name, I don't care.
Real African names are wicked, man.
I was at this casino on South Africa, right.
I'm playing Blackjack.
Or African-American-jack, I don't know how to frame it.
About Twenty-one, right?
And I look at the dealer, right? It was an African dude.
I think they put this guy there just to confuse you when you're gambling.
'Cos when I look at his name tag, I swear to God...
...the guy's name was spelled...
Exclamation mark,
X, O, B, I, L, E.
And I'm like "How the hell do you say that?"
So I'm not from there, I thought I'd take a shot. Right on my gag.
"Could I, could I get another card there, uh..."
"Xomeone...?"
"Could I get another card there, Xomeone..."
"KOBILE!"
See, cause I thought it had to start big, you know. 'Cos the exclamation was at the beginning of the name, right?
Like, if it was a question mark, I'd be like...
"Kobile?"
But it was an exclamation, so I'm like, "KOBILE!"
And he looks at me and he goes "Please do not yell in the casino."
I'm like, I'm not yelling, man. I'm just trying to say your name.
He goes "That is not how you say my name."
And I go "How do you say your name?" I swear to God, man...
The guy goes...
"My name is pronounced !Xobile."
He had a click in his name!
The guy's name was !Xobile.
I don't care, my first child is going to get a click in his name. I don't care.
"This is my son, !Xussell."
The guy's name was !Xobile."
It sounds cool when you're just saying it to each other, right?
!Xobile.
The thing about... I'm gonna slow down on my sex life, you know.
Imagine I was there with this woman making love.
"Ooh baby. Ooh baby."
"Say my name."
"Say my name!"
"Oh my God! !Xobile!"
It messed up the whole vibe, man.
Where the Italy was like... Italy was cool, man.
You know what's wicked when I went to Italy? That freaks me out.
Brown people, you gotta go to Italy. It will mess them up.
I went to Italy... The Italians thought I was Italian.
And I didn't have a heart to tell them I wasn't Italian, right.
'Cos it seems kind of cool to be Italian for a while.
So they started speaking Italian to me.
And then I just look like I was retarded, you know, cause...
They walk on to me on the street,
"Uh, signore..."
[MIMICKING ITALIAN LANGUAGE]
"Sė."
"Sė, man!"
Then when I told the guy I was Indian, he would freak out.
"Indiano? No Indiano."
"Ind... No Indiano."
[MIMICKING ITALIAN LANGUAGE] "No, no Indiano."
Like I told him I was a freaking ghost or something.
"No!"
'Cos they can't picture Indian people that is just normal over there, you know.
In their heads Indian people are...
Then we showed up and shattered their miserable dream for them.
If you guys got a chance to go to Italy, it's cool, man. You don't even need to learn how to speak Italian. That's the good part.
All you need to do is learn how to read their hand signals.
'Cos every word in Italian has a hand signal that goes with it.
Everything.
It's like they all used to be deaf at some point, you know.
Everything. "Hey, hey, hey, down in here..."
"What the fuck?"
Do you know, I swear to God, this in Italian, you know what this mean?
This is "what the fuck?" in Italian.
Right here. This little hand motion is "what the fuck?"
[MIMICKING ITALIAN LANGUAGE] "Hey!"
This is "what the fuck" in Italian.
You know what this mean in Indian? "Do you want to eat?"
"You want to eat?"
Imagine an Italian guy walking into an Indian restaurant.
"Hey, what the fuck?"
"Hey, hey, hey! Buffet is over there."
"And you watch your language."
"Or somebody gonna get a hurt real bad."
Hey, Chinese friend, are you alright over there?
How you doing, bro?
Are you trying to sell me a purse over there?
Just kidding, just kidding.
What's your name?
No, the Chinese guy.
You're the black guy.
But you know, whatever makes you happy, you know what I mean?
Alright, Chinese friend, what's your name, sir?
Anthony. That's what I thought when I look at you.
Looks right down. That's an Anthony right there. That's uh...
Do you have a Chinese name as well, Anthony?
What's your Chinese name?
Say it, you know, properly. I want how Chinese people say your name.
I don't... Not "nen dou go, Anthony!"
I don't want that, you know what I mean? I want...
I want the proper Chinese version.
What's your Chinese name?
Tak Sam Bong?
Does that mean you're gonna get high?
Hey, you wanna Tak Some Bong?
That's a wicked name, man.
Tak Some Bong.
I don't know if I'm saying it wrong, you know, but...
...that's the way it is now, you know.
Sound cooler than Anthony.
Unless you're Anthony by day and Tak Some Bong by night.
You're gonna be like uh, like a Chinese superhero, man!
China-man! China...
You got two chopsticks on your shirt.
Shooting noodles out of his wrists.
Catching bad guys with stale fortune cookies.
Confucius says...
"You go to jail, bad boy!"
I did shows in Hong Kong. I went to Hong Kong last year, man. That was wicked.
Hong Kong is a wicked place.
I think Chinese people are the smartest people in the world, man.
They're tricking us all.
They are, man.
They are not dumb people.
They pretend to not know English.
I went to Hong Kong, they all speak English over there.
And even, they speak better English than we speak.
I'm in this guy's store, I go, "you know what, me and my friend will come back." He goes...
"Your friend and I."
Like one of you and him when he comes back too, that's right, me lad.
They're not dumb people, man. Don't be fooled.
They're toying you.
You know what really upsets me when I go to Hong Kong? Everybody's going around the world to perform...
Wherever I go they have a local comedian to open a show for us.
I go to South Africa, they get a South African. I go to England, they get an English comedian.
Went to Hong Kong, I kept picturing in my head a Chinese comedian. I get there...
...no Chinese comedian.
I was so upset.
'Cos I kept picturing a Chinese comedian, you know.
A little Chinese brother running up opening up the show.
"Hey! Hey!"
"Scuse me."
"Your mother is so fat..."
"...that when she jump for joy..."
"...she got stuck."
"OK, thank you."
Didn't have him. Didn't have him.
Very upsetting.
Oh man.
I'm gonna let out a secret about Indian people.
For all the people here, and all the people watching, wherever you are.
If you're not an Indian, this is a message to you on behalf of all Indian people.
I hope my brown people don't get upset that I'm letting out a secret.
But just so you guys know.
Indian people are fully aware...
...of what their accent sounds like.
We don't actually need you...
We know exactly what it sounds like.
We know it's not the coolest accent in the world, you know.
You're never gonna see two Indian guys in a club standing around going...
"Hey, man."
"Aren't we cool?"
"Don't... don't we sound really hip?"
"We are going to meet all the bitches tonight."
"I am pimping."
You know. It's not gonna happen, you know.
We know what it sound like, you know.
And don't think for one minute that we don't know that you're mocking us when we're not around.
It's an accent. We're not deaf.
Don't think when we're walking to Home Depot and go "Hello, I'm looking for paint."
"Yeah, it's right down that aisle over there, sir."
"Hey Jim, do you hear that guy looking for paint?"
[WITH INDIAN ACCENT] "Paint!"
[WITH INDIAN ACCENT] "Paiiint!"
"Hey, let's go have a cigarette and talk about this for half an hour. Ha ha ha!"
We know you're doing it, you bastards!
But Indian people know their accent is good for what is not good.
For we know its limitations.
You know, I mean, we know it's not good for getting laid.
It's not gonna help me. "Hello, baby."
Nothing's gonna happen for you.
But you know what the Indian accent is good for? Cutting tension.
You got a tense situation? Pop in the Indian accent.
The tension is gone.
Picture a serious courtroom drama.
"Your honor. My client..."
"...would like to plead guilty!"
Tension's gone.
But white people... Let me talk to you for a minute.
White Canadian people especially.
Canadian white people. And when I said Canadian...
I mean you're Canadian, your parents are Canadian, your grandparents are Canadian. You're really Canadian.
Canadian white people, you have an accent.
And they're completely oblivious to it.
You do? I'm not aware of it, sir.
You may not have it, you look like a rich Canadian white guy, I don't know. You know what I mean?
You're minority.
But Canadian people have an accent.
And it's funny when you watch white Canadian people talk, especially white Canadian guys.
They have this funny ass way of talking.
They talk... The way they speak, they make everything sounds like the most matter of fact thing you've ever heard in your life.
And when they talk to you, it looks like they can't control their head.
It looks like a part of bobble head when they're saying stuff to you.
This one comes up to you and go...
"Jesus Christ!"
"They take care a load of the jugs on that one!"
"Oh yeah, oh yeah."
They do. It's funny to watch.
And white people said and go "we don't have any accent. What are you talking about?"
I can prove to you, white folks, that you have an accent.
It's a pretty bold statement for a brown man.
But I can prove it to you.
White people, when you swear...
...you sound like donkeys.
You do. Cause you're saying stuff like...
"Fuuuck aaass!"
"Buuullshiiit!"
"Yee haw! Yee haw!"
You talk funny, man. It's okay.
This is a nice room tonight, you know.
It's all kind of different people here. I love that.
When I look at the audience, I see...
...black, white, Asians.
Everybody's having a good time hanging out.
Brown...
...you fall under Asians as well.
South.
It's nice, you know, different mix of audience like this.
People at home. Different kind of people enjoying this at their living room, or whatever.
This type of thing's not gonna be able to happen in about three hundred years from now. You realize that?
'Cos you realize that, if we make it, three hundred years from now...
You realize there's not gonna be any more white people?
Not gonna be any more black people.
Everybody's gonna be beige.
And I don't care. I'm already beige, you know what I mean?
It's not gonna affect me, you know.
But it's true. The whole world's mixing.
Nothing you can do about it.
Eventually, we're all gonna become a hybrid mix of Chinese and Indian.
It's inevitable.
They're the two largest population in the world.
So you can run from us now.
But sooner or later...
...we're gonna hump you.
And I think if we're all gonna be mixed anyway...
...we should start mixing now, you know.
You know, ladies, take some chances. Sleep around a bit, you know.
If you see that Indian comedian that you really want to have sex with, I say go for it!
Well, it's true the whole world's mixing, you know.
Eventually everybody's just gonna look the same.
But I think if we're all gonna mix anyway, let's start mixing people now that we've never normally mix.
Just to see what we'll get.
You know, hook up a Jamaican with an Italian.
They're gonna have a little Pastaferian, you know.
I'm an Indian, I can hook up with a Jewish girl. We're gonna have little Hinjews.
Get a woman from the Philippines and a guy from Holland, a little Hollapinos.
A guy from Cuba, a woman from Iceland, a little Ice Cube.
A French and a Greek, Freek.
A German and a Nufi, a little Goofies, you know what I mean?
It's gonna happen. We might as well help it along.
I used to go out with a Chinese girl. It's wicked going out with a Chinese girl.
You imagine if her and I have gotten serious?
Can you imagine that wedding?
Do you know how much rice would be at the wedding?
Nobody be allowed to throw it at the bride and groom.
Our parents would just freak out, "what the hell are you doing?!"
"You're wasting the food!"
"I told you not to invite white people to the wedding!"
"They throw the bloody food around."
"Let's go to their wedding and throw mashed potato at them!"
It's gonna happen, man.
May dad's been in this country for forty years now.
Forty years!
And you know what's scary? 'Cos I think my dad is turning into redneck now.
I swear to God, he's starting to say stuff that scares me, you know.
I walked into my parents' house a couple of weeks ago.
My dad was sitting on the phone, he had a newspaper open in front of him.
He had an ad circled. Somebody was selling a couch, right?
So my dad was on the phone, he called the ad.
And on the other end of the phone some Eastern European lady answered and she couldn't speak any English.
And all I hear was "Hello, I'm calling about your couch."
"Uh, hello."
"Hello?"
"I... I want to know about your couch."
"Hello?"
"OK."
"I've said hello twice."
"I would like to purchase your couch."
"No English."
"I'm sorry?"
"No English."
"Then why the hell did you answer the phone?"
"You don't come to my country if you can't speak the language!" Click.
My dad looks at me and goes "Immigrants!"
I go "Dad, you're an immigrant."
"Hey, you watch what you say to me!"
And they ask one thing that separates immigrant family from the regular Canadian family, you know.
Doesn't matter where your parents are from...
They weren't born in this country, they will whoop your ass when you're growing up, won't they?
It doesn't matter. Where your parents are from?
Ukraine. You know what I'm saying. They'll beat you with a cabbage roll, you know what I'm saying?
They'll smack a perovie up side your head.
They'll beat you, man! Immigrant parents will beat their kids.
Canadian parents they're a little too soft on their kids.
And that's fine, you know. Whatever makes you happy.
But you need to start beating your kids.
I'll tell you why.
Growing up... Kids now are growing up in a multi-cultural society.
You know, you're gonna have white kids growing up with black kids and brown kids, and Asian kids.
And they're all gonna be hanging out in the playground.
You know what I mean?
And they're gonna be talking about the ass whopping they got last night.
Do you want that little white kid to feel left out?
Beat that child so he's not a social outcast.
They're probably sitting around "Man, my daddy beat my ass!" "My dad beat my ass, too!"
The white kid goes "I was sent to my room."
They'll all be like "You've got a room?"
You need to beat the kids, man.
Indian parents will beat their kids.
Chinese parents will. I would hate get beaten by parents who know kung-fu and stuff, man. That's...
I would hate to messed up in a Chinese house, man.
"Hey! Kap Dis Wong!"
"Come here."
"It says you've got an F in school."
They wouldn't even need to beat you! Just go [MIMICKING KUNG-FU SHOUT]
No Sunny Check.
Indian parents will beat their... Indian parents aren't afraid to kill their kids if they have to, you know.
My dad's theory was "If I get rid of one I'll just make another one!"
"And I will tell the new one what an idiot the last one was!"
Jamaican parents will beat their kids for no reason sometimes.
"Hey, boy, come here."
"Yes, daddy?"
"What's that for?" "Just in case."
White people, please beat your kids.
I'll tell you why. I was growing up, right?
I grew up around a lot of black people.
Which is fine, because black people never picked on me.
White kids, not so friendly back then.
But every now and then, a white kid will come and hang out with us.
We were like, "Wow, a white kid!"
"I've heard so much about you."
And here's what the problem is.
When a white kid would hang out with us, we want to be like the white kid.
We would want to start to do everything like the white. We want to copy the white kid so much...
And the problem is when we start taking the white kid's advice...
...on how to deal with our parents.
That'll get you freakin' murdered, man.
I remember hanging around this one little white boy, Ryan, when I was ten year old.
I went to his house after school one day, right?
His parents never beat him, and they've never even yelled at him.
He could do anything he wanted, and nothing was gonna happen to him.
But he was an angry kid.
We walked to his house after school and his mom was "Ryan, go clean your room."
"Fuck you, bitch!"
His mom goes "What am I gonna do with him?"
I go "Ryan, you can't talk to your mom like that."
"Yes I can. She's a jackass!"
"Don't say that, man. She'll hit you!"
"No she won't. She's not allowed to."
"What the hell are you talking about, man?"
"My parents hit me."
"Yeah, the next time they try it, you tell them to fuck off."
"Are you sure?"
"Trust me. It works for me."
So I went home...
...for the last time.
I walked into my house and my dad goes "Russell, come and do the dishes!"
"Fuck you, dad!"
"What the hell did you say to me?"
"Do I look like Ryan's mom?"
"Somebody gonna get a hurt real bad."
That was my dad's threat.
Right before he beat me. Every single time.
"Oi, Russell!"
"Somebody gonna get a hurt real bad."
I hated that threat. You know why?
'Cos he always says "somebody"...
...he never tell you it's you.
I mean, you knew it was you.
But he gives you this hope.
"Oi! Russell!"
"Somebody gonna get a hurt real bad."
"Somebody."
"I'm not gonna say who."
"Oh, I think you might know him very well."
I'm in the back praying, I hope it's my brother, man. Please.
I saw that little brat Ryan at school a few days later and I was like...
"Yo! Your little plan almost got me killed!"
He goes "Oh, sorry dude. I forgot to tell you the other part."
"If he's still gonna hit you, threaten to phone Children's Aid."
"Why?"
"Cause if you phone Children's Aid, they'll come and take your dad away, and he'll get in trouble."
"You won't even have to call. Just pretend. It'll scare the crap out of him."
You're ten years old, you figure out how to scare the crap out of your dad?
That's like finding kryptonite.
I thought I'd try it.
I was about to get my next beating, I stop my dad and go...
"Don't do it!"
"I'll phone Children's Aid."
You ever had your parents called your bluff?
"You'll do what?"
"I'll phone Children's Aid."
"Is that right?"
"Ooohhh..."
"Well, let me get you the phone, tough guy."
"Wait, what are you doing? If I phone Children's Aid, you'll get in trouble!"
"I might get in a little bit of trouble."
"But I know that it's going to take them 23 minutes to get here."
"In that time, somebody gonna get a hurt real bad!"
Thank you very much. Good night!
Ladies and gentlemen, Russell Peters.
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